Your Digital Companion

Friday, June 24

5 iPhone Apps for Baba Ramdev

Baba Ramdev is a very busy, angry man and it seems he's not one of those 'holy people' that like to 'get by with the help of his friends'. From trying to build armies to fight corruption, to curing cancer with yoga and recriminalizing homosexuality, Mr. Ramdevji quite literally has his dhoti full. However, thanks to a certain Mr. Jobs-ji, Baba Ramdev can achieve Nirvana ahead of schedule.


Baba-ji began his career with yoga, He's just such a huge fan of yoga. He claims his yoga can cure cancer and homosexuality. He wanted to replace sex education in school with yoga education, so children could learn how to cure AIDS with yoga (you know, instead of preventing it). Now, people with hot bodies everywhere will agree that clearly Baba Ramdev is doing it wrong (I mean, look at his body!). What he needs is a little "Hot Body Yoga" ($1.99 or Rs. 89). Hot Body Yoga promises to help you "fry fat on the mat". That's also more productive than all the satyagrahis he's been getting fried with teargas and lathicharges. It also has pictures of scantily clad women in all sorts of yoga poses. He probably gets that a lot in real life anyway, but these days while he's under police custody, he might need a little dose. Some "breathe in, breathe out. Breathe, breathe breathe!" might follow suit.

Yoga's homie

But since we're talking about his body, another app, "The Little Black Dress" which is also $1.99 or Rs. 89. Ramdev wears his cloth with a very particular style, showing off some parts of his body while covering others. Now, if he wants the parts he shows off to be 'assets', here's the app for him. This app is meant to help women look best in the little black dress they already own, but have said nothing about the big, orange umm, cloth that Baba Ramdev wears. And when you're not excluded, why exclude yourself eh?

He'll learn how to tone



Mr. Ramdev has a very distinctive style. He has one outfit, or at least many versions of the same outfit. Unless he's got a little lady in the corner washing his clothes every 6 hours, he's going to need to buy more of the same stuff (orange cloth). And really, he deserves to get a deal on orange cloth for being loyal to orange cloth for so long. Here's where the eBay Fashion app comes in. The eBay Fashion app would not only help him get the best deals right away on his orange cloth, but also show him ways to accessorize. I'm not saying full out bling out, not at all, but I'm sure he'd get some better deals on his beads on eBay fashion than say the back alleys of the Ganges, shipping and handling included.

He can heart which orange cloth he wants 


There are a dozen countdown apps for the iPhone, let's just go with the free one (since tax payers rupees do in fact run out, because everyone's painting their money black). It's pretty obvious why Baba Ramdev needs a countdown app. He's fasting from June 4th for a month or till he dies, whichever comes first. Now after a while of fasting, he's going to become delirious and even the yoga won't help. If he survives the month, he's going to have to know when to stop. The little ringing that his iPhone will make in the pocket of his orange cloth, will hopefully help him remember. Of course, this is assuming he hasn't become so delirious, he's already hearing little ringings in the pockets of his orange cloth with no iPhone in them.

 Time moves so slowly when you're fasting 

Since he's fasting, he should also know what he's missing out on. And who better to tell him/torment him than Miss Nigella herself?


Geolocation Tracker

Baba Ramdev's been moving around a lot. Usually he's being moved by law enforcing personnel and usually he probably doesn't know where they're taking him until he's there already. Why be in the dark eh? Especially when you're a yogi trying to achieve the light and you have a smartphone. All he really has to do now is find a way to learn what the coordinates that the app show him mean. The app will also show him how high up he is, so he'll know a little bit ahead if law officials plan to throw him off a cliff (also assuming he hasn't sharpened his levitation skills). Best of all, the app is free. No tax payer money going into Baba Ramdev knowing he's going to be thrown off a cliff.

For in case he's on a cliff 


This last one is a more serious one. Baba Ramdev is calling his followers satyagrahis, just as Mahatma Gandhi did his. Ramdev is fasting just like Gandhi did. The trouble is, now Baba Ramdev is saying that he wants to raise "arms" which is not something Gandhi did. He's been accused of black money, whereas Gandhi was never accused for wanting the Brits to actually stay. Clearly Ramdev needs to learn who Gandhi actually was and what he actually was all about. The Gandhi biography app costs $0.99 (Rs. 45) but this is one app I'll actually shell out my money for. I'm going above and beyond my taxes for you Baba Ramdev, I'm giving you my income.

A history lesson is required

So there you go Mr. Ramdev-ji. These are a few things beyond yoga that will make your life a little better.